The paradox of self-acceptance and change

Core coaching philosophy #3

In this series of essays I’m going to outline the core philosophies that shape my thinking and approach to coaching. I will elaborate on why I believe these things to be both true and important, drawing on a wide range of sources and influence from the modern scientific, to the ancient spiritual. If there is one thing I’m confident of, it’s that my own thinking will continue to evolve over time. As it does so I will try to make updates to reflect that evolution. Whether you’re a client of mine or simply a passerby, I hope you find some food for thought here.

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There is a pervasive lie that so many of us have bought into. A lie that is fed by many voices of the ‘self-improvement’ industry. A lie that is justified as our ‘edge’, our ‘superpower’, our ‘motivation’. This is amongst the most dangerous of lies - a wolf in sheep’s clothing - that appears harmless, is accepted by the flock, but is poised to eat us alive. But it’s time to expose the wolf. To separate it from the flock once more to avoid it doing further damage.

The wolf in this story is the lie that self acceptance is the enemy of change. Or to put it another way - the idea that we have to be really f***ing mean to ourselves all the time to force us to become a ‘better’ or ‘more successful’ person. It’s everywhere. And most of the time we don’t even realise it. We’ve become so accustomed to the process of measuring ourselves and our success (or perceived lack of it) against others. Of scrutinising our ‘failings’ or ‘weaknesses’ and then using them as the stick to beat ourselves into shape with; all in the name of so-called self improvement. There simply isn’t room for acceptance in that narrative. Surely acceptance means admitting defeat? Stagnating. Surely acceptance is the enemy of change?

I, for one, don’t believe it has to be this way. I don’t think we have to spend our lives focused on all the ways in which we’re somehow deficient and try to ‘close the gap’. I think we can change and grow in healthy ways without the critic or comparison, and see ourselves as inherently whole at every point on that journey. I believe that not only is self-acceptance not the enemy of change - it’s perhaps our greatest innate resource for deeply fulfilling growth.

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“As a psychotherapist I see that nothing does as much for an individual’s self-esteem as becoming aware of and accepting disowned parts of the self. The, first steps of healing and growth are awareness and acceptance — consciousness and integration. They are the fountainhead of personal development.”

Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

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When clients come to me they are usually seeking some form of change or growth in their lives. That change may be something more ‘practical’ related to skills they want to improve to be a better leader, for example; or it might be more deep-rooted change around who they are as a person and their patterns of beliefs and thinking. Often it has a flavour of both. Irrespective of their initial goals and areas of focus, I see a wide spectrum of attitudes towards themselves. There is a notable difference between those who have a high degree of self-acceptance, but want to continue to grow vs. those with low self-acceptance who are often quick to identify all the ways in which they need to be ‘fixed’. For this latter group, perhaps the cruelest trick of all is that they are often convinced that their inner critic is the only way they will ever do the ‘fixing’. The very idea of self-acceptance then poses a threat. It amplifies some of their most deep-rooted fears about not being good enough. It signifies admitting defeat.

But herein lies the paradox. Our misunderstanding of what self-acceptance truly means, and our conditioning to a dominant paradigm of change focused on criticising ourselves, means we mistake self-acceptance for stagnation or a lack of willingness to grow. In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach coins the term Radical Acceptance and defines it as ‘the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as they are.’ But rather than this becoming the basis for complacency she goes on to quote the prominent psychologist Carl Rogers in explaining how acceptance is in fact a pre-requisite for change, “It wasn’t until I accepted myself just as I was, that I was free to change.”

So in this case we stop seeing acceptance as the enemy of change and start to see it as an enabler or even pre-requisite for change. But a different sort of change. One with greater ease and compassion. I personally resonate with the Taoist concept of Wu Wei here, which is sometimes translated as the ‘action of non-action’. It’s a mindset in which, much like water in a stream flows around the rocks in its path, we move with the ebb and flow of life and the world around us, rather than choosing to battle against it. We aren’t complacently or stubbornly resisting change but are allowing it to happen with a greater sense of flow.

So whilst self-acceptance is by no means easy and certainly takes work. Don’t be amongst the flock who fail to spot the wolf. Don’t justify your lack of self-acceptance as a service to yourself in pursuit of being better. Embrace acceptance as the basis for healthy growth and live with the freedom that affords you.